The time between
I have known all along of my failures to finish anything I start but it is today, tonite that reality hits hard on me...worked through the weekend and is the 2nd consecutive day that I went in at 7 and came back at 9, and the file is still not finished.. is it me or is it the job? Its too easy to blame the job when I had taken some liberties during the week and the weekend before.. Reading Binx's blog and seeing her link to mine made me understand the nature of how things have been for the last few months.
It seems for the life of me I have managed to elude that of which gives meaning to my daily life. The answer is quite simple..conviction..or the lack of it. Looking back at the growing years that to most people were their most golden of times, I have nothing to treasure but my meagre existence. There is no sense of achievement within me that can provide a source of light in these moments of darkness. Unsurprisingly the moment does not seem alien as there would have been days like this..days when I question myself but find no answers. At least none that would appease my hunger for a sense of belonging.
I think I've had enough. There is many things to be done in order to get myself back on track. Let this be witness to my trials and tribulations of the days to come. Hopefully it would not be another two full moons before another posting. Or else I will be back where I started...
My hope for this journal that it would be my friend. Someone I could talk to when there is no one there to listen to my thoughts, for I do not spin a fair tale. That is not my attribute for many times have I tried. I myself would rather plant my head into a hole then listen to myself talk.
Its close to 11, I need my sleep. Hafta be in around 7 again so that DQ can have his creditors and accruals by noon. Hopefully there aren't too many things to answer come morning from the sections given today. Then again most of them aren't mine and CM can have his share of fun since he's still there..
We'll see...hope to hear from F when I come home tomorrow..
It seems for the life of me I have managed to elude that of which gives meaning to my daily life. The answer is quite simple..conviction..or the lack of it. Looking back at the growing years that to most people were their most golden of times, I have nothing to treasure but my meagre existence. There is no sense of achievement within me that can provide a source of light in these moments of darkness. Unsurprisingly the moment does not seem alien as there would have been days like this..days when I question myself but find no answers. At least none that would appease my hunger for a sense of belonging.
I think I've had enough. There is many things to be done in order to get myself back on track. Let this be witness to my trials and tribulations of the days to come. Hopefully it would not be another two full moons before another posting. Or else I will be back where I started...
My hope for this journal that it would be my friend. Someone I could talk to when there is no one there to listen to my thoughts, for I do not spin a fair tale. That is not my attribute for many times have I tried. I myself would rather plant my head into a hole then listen to myself talk.
Its close to 11, I need my sleep. Hafta be in around 7 again so that DQ can have his creditors and accruals by noon. Hopefully there aren't too many things to answer come morning from the sections given today. Then again most of them aren't mine and CM can have his share of fun since he's still there..
We'll see...hope to hear from F when I come home tomorrow..
posted by ash raf at 22:31
2 Comments:
Bloghopped from Binx's, good start! I found solace in mine especially when things are getting up to my eyeballs. Blog on and have your thoughts infect others.
Exactly my thoughts when I started..am a big fan of yours actually! Keep it up. Time is never enough though...
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